I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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