You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize