I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize