Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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