No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
