I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
