it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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