sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
