can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
