i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
