I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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