i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Text me some of your sweat
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