Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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