she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
