i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So much rum. So many feels.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
