I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
