I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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