First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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