this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
They took my balls.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
