I just cut my nipple shaving
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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