Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
