So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
