I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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