Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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