tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
