Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
