Soap is not a condiment
I think my fart just growled at me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
