Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
