gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
