hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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