Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
