I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
