i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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