Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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