My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
