I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
