Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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