Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
