I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
