my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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