My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
