My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
