Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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