i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize