I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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