thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
where are you?
Hypothermia
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
