Sacagawea was the original milf.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize