8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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