he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
