My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
