Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
