Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
