I hope mine doesn't look like that
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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