Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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